


Our Heartbreak

by adventurouswallflower (destieldearie)



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: I AM SORRY, M/M, tears were shed by the author, this is painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 10:02:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15660972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieldearie/pseuds/adventurouswallflower





	Our Heartbreak

     “It’s over, kid. I didn’t mean for it to go this far, but it’s over now.  _ Just go _ . I don’t need you. I never did,” Perry said, his voice cold and uncaring. He looked at JD and tried to keep his emotions in check. He needed to do this; it was for JD’s own good. It would hurt, but he’d eventually move on from Perry Cox and all his problems. JD was sobbing from his seat on the couch and Perry wanted nothing more than to gather the younger man in his arms; to promise to never make him cry again. But he couldn’t do that. For once in his life, he was trying to be unselfish; JD deserved so much more than Perry could ever give him. 

     “Perry, please. Please, don’t do this,” JD said between sobs. “We’re happy. I love you. Why are you doing this?” Perry knew he had to lie. It was verging on cruel, but he knew there was no other option. He needed to make sure JD wouldn’t love him anymore. He needed him to move on. “Just tell me why you’re doing this,” JD cried as he put his face in his hands and started to curl into himself. 

     Perry knelt down and took JD’s face in his hands, trying to memorize the hopeful look because he knew he’d never see it again. “Because I don’t love you,” He whispered. Perry was sure he felt his heart break as the hurt look on JD’s face flashed to anger. 

     “ _ Fuck you _ ,” JD spat out before standing up and storming towards the bedroom. He started shoving his clothes from the dresser into the gym bag he took to the hospital. “You’re a fucking coward. We could have had  _ everything _ , Perry. But no. You’re too afraid to open up and let anyone in. You’re so deep in your self-loathing that you can’t even see how much I love you,” JD screamed. Perry stood in the door frame, trying to commit everything about the man in front of him to memory. Perry could see that tears were still falling from JD’s eyes, but he didn’t look quite as sad anymore. He looked furious and Perry knew he had every right to be, but he kept telling himself it was the best thing for JD. He deserved someone good and whole, not broken like him. JD deserved the world, but Perry couldn’t give it to him. 

     “You done, Elizabeth?” Perry walked closer to him.

     JD narrowed his eyes at Perry and bumped his shoulder as he walked out of the bedroom. “Yeah, I’m done. Tell Jack I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” he whispered as he laid the key to Perry’s apartment on the coffee table and walked out of the apartment, and his life. 

     As soon as the door slammed, Perry headed straight for the liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of scotch. He didn’t bother with a glass, drinking straight from the bottle. He just wanted the echoes of JD’s sobs and pleas to  _ stop _ . Every time he wanted to run out of the apartment after JD, he took a long drink and forced himself to stay seated. Perry knew there were tears falling down his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to wipe them away. Finally, the alcohol took effect and he fell asleep with the bottle still in his hand

     Perry walks into the hospital the next morning to Carla greeting him with a slap to the face. She yells in Spanish and he stands there, taking it, because he knows he hurt JD; he knows he broke his heart and Perry wants to call him and tell him that he’s  _ so so _ sorry, but he also knows that JD is better off without him. Carla finally gives him a chance to respond, “What the hell do you have to say for yourself,” she asks. He can’t meet her eyes as he walks away. 

     Perry keeps to himself, trying not to run into JD or his friends, but the whispers and stares seem to follow him wherever he goes. He avoids all the spots that he and JD had spent time together over the last year: the lounge on the third floor, the roof, that table by the window in the cafeteria, and the supply closet where they’d found themselves one night, tired and desperate for each other. His chest feels like it’s going to cave in with the memories. He needs to get out of here; he can’t breathe in here. Perry is on his way to the locker room to escape when he catches a whiff of the coconut-mango shampoo JD loves and forces himself not to follow it. He knows if he sees the other man, his resolve would crumble. Perry goes to the bathroom to be alone with his thoughts. He hears JD’s sobs echo in his ears again,  _ Why are you doing this _ , and punches the paper towel dispenser until his hand aches. The pain is enough to keep him focused and grounded; it also keeps the memories away.  By the time his shift is over, Perry couldn’t bear the thought of going home to his empty apartment and sitting alone with his memories. Jordan would be bringing Jack tomorrow afternoon, but until then he would find comfort in a bottle until last call. 

     When he wakes he reaches across the bed to pull JD closer to him, except the sting in his heart and the pain in his hand remind him of what he’s done. He knows he should get used to waking up alone. Perry stays in bed with the ghost of JD until Jordan arrives with Jack. He knows he needs to get up and be a father to Jack. He also knows that if his son wasn’t there, Perry wouldn’t hesitate to chase away the memory of JD’s lips on his skin with a bottle of scotch. He keeps it together when Jack is with him and the boy manages to accept the fact that JD is out of town for now, even though Perry knows it’ll never be the same. Perry’s life goes on as if he didn’t break his own heart when he broke JD’s. 

     He’s able to be a father to Jack, and ignore the voices that seem to echo in his head until they’re silenced by a bottle of scotch, until Perry can’t handle hearing JD’s voice in his head at all. Jack is playing in the living room and Perry’s trying so hard to stay awake and watch him, but the scotch he’d had an hour ago pulls him into blissful silence. He wakes up and Jordan is in his apartment watching a movie while Jack sleeps in her arms. 

     Perry studies her. He’s known her long enough to know that she’s worried and upset, but all he can think about is JD’s face when he’d told him to leave. She turns to face him and he notices disgust hides behind her worried eyes.  _ I’m disgusted with myself too, _ he thinks as he sits up. She speaks softly and sometimes he strains to hear her, “Perry, I swear to God. You need to get help for this. You’ve always tried to drink away your feelings, but now it’s not just about you. It’s affecting Jack and I won’t let you pull him down this path with you. If you won’t talk to someone for yourself, do it for him. He needs his father around and  _ sober _ . I don’t know what happened between you and JD, but you’ve got to get a hold of yourself. You need to talk to him.” She’s gone before Perry can even attempt to defend himself; he knows he can’t anyway.

     After Jordan told Perry he could only see Jack if she was there and he was sober, he really tried to crawl back out of the bottle he’d been stuck in for the last two months. He started seeing a new therapist and he was starting to recognize the person in the mirror again. Then he sees them together one night as he’s leaving the hospital and Perry can barely make it home before he’s pulled over and taking long, burning drinks from the flask that had laid forgotten in his bag. He stops at the liquor store on his way home and buys as much scotch as he thinks will quiet the goddamn screams in his head. This time, Perry falls so deep into the amber liquid that he never wants to come back to the surface. 

     He stops showing up for his shifts and Kelso comes to see him. He sits on the coffee table and talks to Perry like he’s a child being scolded, “For God’s sake Perry, pull yourself together.” But then, his tone softens and Perry knows that whatever demon lurks inside Bob is worried about him, “You’re one of the best doctors we have. We need you. Hell, Dorian needs you even if he has started seeing that new attending in pediatrics. He looks so sad all the time now. I don’t know what happened, but Perry, you’re going to kill yourself if you keep carrying on like this.” Kelso leaves when it’s obvious Perry isn’t in the mood for talking. JD had moved on. That was what he had wanted, but Perry hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. He takes a shower for the first time that week and lets the warm water wash over him as he thinks that maybe he was wrong. 

     Perry pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a dirty Red Wings jersey before calling JD’s cell. He knows it’s going to go straight to voicemail and he’s prepared as soon as he’s prompted to leave his message. “JD. It’s me. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. God, I’m  _ so so  _ sorry. I just wanted you to have everything that you deserved and that isn’t me. I love you and I need you so fucking much, kid. I don’t know who I am if I’m not with you. You made me want to be a better man, but I failed you. I’m just calling to say goodbye and that I’m,” his voice started to crack, “happy for you, JD.”

     Perry’s thankful he still has that bottle of Johnnie Walker he’s been saving. He tries one more time to drown out the embers of JD and as soon as he brings the bottle to his lips, he’s lost again. The bottle is half gone when he builds up the nerve to see him. He feels like his soul is on fire and just seeing JD again will put it out. He stumbles out of the apartment and into his car. He just wants to see that stupid, goofy smile on JD’s face one more time and then he’ll let the kid live his life; he’s so lost in the thought of JD and the alcohol running through his blood that he doesn’t have time to slow down when he takes the curve too quickly. His final thought before he slips into darkness is that he can’t hear the echoes anymore. The voices of Jack, Jordan, Carla, Kelso, Ben, and JD are finally silent. Even the memories of his father have nothing to say. And Perry thinks that for once, he’s at peace. 

 

* * *

 

     He’d listened to the voicemail as he was leaving the hospital.  _ Perry was sorry? He still loves me? _ JD thinks as he sits down on the curb to process. He listens again and notices the slurring in Perry’s speech. He was drunk and saying things he didn’t mean. Although, JD couldn’t help but think that something was wrong and decided to drop by Perry’s on his way home to check on him. If he answered the door or, the most likely scenario, told him to get lost, he could go to sleep knowing that Perry was safe in his apartment. Even if when he woke up in the morning he didn’t love JD anymore. 

     JD was on his way to Perry’s apartment when Carla called him, “It’s Perry. There was an accident.” They’re not together anymore, haven’t been for over three months, but JD doesn’t hesitate to turn around and rush right back to Sacred Heart. He’s not prepared for what he sees when he finds Carla and Jordan standing outside a trauma room. Carla is crying and Jordan’s face is emotionless, but JD can see her cheeks are wet. He pushes past them and has the overwhelming urge to vomit when he sees the unconscious man in the bed. Perry is broken and battered and looks smaller than JD has ever seen him. He reaches for his hand as the trauma surgeon walks briskly into the room. 

     “Dr. Dorian. We have to take him up now. If we don’t relieve the pressure in his skull, he won’t have any chance of a meaningful recovery.” He speaks with efficiency, but with an empathy that JD knows has been carefully crafted after years of telling families that their loved one is dying. Every doctor learns that voice. He nods his head as they rush him down the hall. He can tell he is crying and his cheeks are wet, but JD feels numb. He still loved him, but JD couldn’t act like it hadn’t broken his heart when Perry pushed him out of his life. And JD knew he’d starting drinking heavily, but it wasn’t his job anymore to worry about Perry. He knew he should have done something, but Perry’s words from years ago stand out in his mind. 

     “Turns out you can’t save people from themselves, Newbie,” he’d told him when JD was still an intern and Perry was still ‘Dr. Cox’. He knows it true, but he’d promised Perry that he’d be there for him and then when Perry needed him, JD couldn’t put his own heartbreak aside to see that the other man was drowning. He’s starting to sink to the floor when Jordan pushes something into his hands. 

     “It’s his power of attorney papers, JD,” she whispers and despite the circumstances, a small part of JD is proud that she actually knows his name isn’t DJ, “He used to have a living will, but he trusted you more than he trusted himself. He didn’t change it after. He needs help, JD. And he loves you. Just, please give him another chance.” 

     JD blinks some tears away and when his eyes have finally refocused on the papers in front of him, he notices that Jordan is gone. He knows how hard this must be for her because the ache in his chest is back as he just leans against the wall and cries. 

     Perry makes it through the surgery and JD can barely leave his bedside the first few days. They’re waiting to see if he’ll wake up and JD doesn’t want to leave him alone again. JD just hopes that when he does, Perry will know that he is forgiven and he is loved. 

     It’s been five days since the accident and JD is starting to get scared that he’ll never see those blue eyes open again. He thought he’d felt Perry’s hand twitch and his eyelids flutter once yesterday, but nothing has changed. They’re still waiting. 

     Jordan lets JD take Jack to the park one afternoon and as Jack plays on the jungle gym, JD thinks about the times he and Perry had with Jack. He misses the afternoons spent watching movies with Jack, both of them curled up next to Perry on the couch. JD doesn’t let Jack see him cry. He tells Jack that his Daddy is on a trip for a little while and hopefully he’ll be back soon. Jack, with the blissful ignorance of youth, accepts it and asks JD if he still loves them, “ ‘cause you haven’t been home in a while and Daddy said it was ‘cause you were gone too. We missed you.” JD feels his eyes water as he scoops the boy into a hug. 

     “Of course I love you, Jackster, and I love your dad too. I just had to go away for a while, but I’m here now. And I’ll be here until your daddy gets back,” he whispers in the boy’s ear as he carries him back to the car. JD doesn’t tell him that with each passing day the odds of Perry regaining consciousness grow smaller. After he’s dropped Jack off at Jordan’s, and she’d deny that she looked at JD with sympathy in her eyes, he goes back to the hospital and finds himself sitting in the chapel. He’d never really believed in God, but Turk had faith and JD thought that maybe he could borrow some to get Perry through this.

_      God, please. We need him.  _ **_I_ ** _ need him. I need more time with him. I have to tell him that I still love him. That I understand why he said the things he said. I forgive him, _ he prays to whoever might be listening. His face in his hands, JD lets himself cry again. He thinks that maybe if he’d fought harder against Perry’s self-doubt, he could have stopped him from crawling into a bottle. He could have stopped him from getting behind the wheel.

     It’s been two weeks and JD is still waiting for Perry to wake up. He sits with him everyday and holds his hand. JD tells him what Jack did that week and how he asks about him all the time. “I told him you were out of town. God, Perry, you have to wake up. He needs you. I need you,” his voice starts to break and he holds Perry’s hand against his lips, “I love you.”

     It’s been four weeks and JD continues to wait for Perry. He still sits with him and holds his hand, but JD doesn’t talk much anymore. He’s run out of excuses to tell Jack about where his father is and the ache in JD’s chest is starting to be too much for him. He can’t even mention Perry’s name without feeling like he’s been punched in the gut. He’s starting to wonder if he’ll have to wait forever. 

     It’s been six weeks and JD can’t bear to stay too long in the cold, silent room. He hasn’t seen Perry move at all since that first week and JD is starting to lose hope. He hasn’t seen Jack in a week because it hurts too much. Jordan told him that he was wasting away alongside Perry and JD hadn’t tried to defend himself. He wanted to move on, but he kept seeing Perry’s broken body in the trauma room and he couldn’t leave him. JD starts crying again as he kisses Perry’s forehead before sitting back down and holding his hand. Today will have to be the last visit for a while; they want to transfer him to a long-term care facility and JD has run out of favors to keep him here. He knows the odds are astronomical now, but JD still wakes up every morning and uses the little optimism he has left to hope that today will be the day that Perry finally wakes up. He’s about to get up and leave again when he feels a light squeeze against his hand. He looks up and Perry’s eyelids flutter a little. JD thinks that maybe there is a God after all as he calls for the nurse. 

     It’s another day before they take him off the ventilator and another three before he regains consciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

     The first thing he thinks when he wakes up is that he’s in Hell, which he doesn’t believe in. This has to be Hell because he’s in a hospital and JD is sitting by his bedside. 

     “What the hell are you doing here,” he manages to croak out and his throat feels as though he’s been eating sand for a month. 

     “I love you,” JD says as his face falls and his eyes well up. 

     Perry is confused because if this was Hell, JD wouldn’t look so sad and heartbroken. He wouldn’t  _ cry _ . He tries to remember how he got here, but the only thing he remembers is the squeal of tires and a sick crunching sound. He thinks he remembers JD’s voice telling him that he needed to wake up. 

     “What happened,” he asks, but he thinks he already knows the answer. 

     “You had an accident six weeks ago and you’ve been in a coma. You’d been drinking and drove off the road into a tree. They had to pump your stomach, Perry. You had alcohol poisoning; that alone could have killed you. What were you thinking?”

     Perry is silent for a moment. He remembers just wanting the pain of losing JD to stop; to silence the voices in his head. He hadn’t wanted to hurt JD anymore, but judging by his tear stained cheeks, Perry’s fucked that up too. “I just wanted it to stop,” his voice is small and JD leans closer to hear him. 

     JD doesn’t want to push Perry, but he has to know. The question has been weighing on his mind for weeks. “Perry, why did you break up with me if you didn’t want to?”

     Perry starts to turn away and closes his eyes as he whispers, “JD, just go. Please. I can’t do this.”

     “You don’t have to be alone. I’m still here. I still love you,” JD says as he takes Perry’s hand in his once more. 

     “I was scared.” Perry stares into JD’s eyes and he can see the hope that is starting to bloom again.

     “I know,” JD says quietly as he lets go of Perry’s hand to sit next to him on the bed.

     “I don’t think I can do this alone,” Perry confesses and he leans his head against JD’s shoulder. He’d forgotten how much just JD’s presence calmed him.

     “That’s okay. You don’t have to. I’ll be here. I’ll always be here,” JD says as he presses a kiss to Perry’s temple.

 

* * *

 

     JD thinks that even though they have a lot more talking to do, they’re on the right track again. They’re in love and they’re finally together again. 


End file.
